Some people wonder why I make such a big deal out of social things... why I have a hard time contacting people. Why I have a hard time dealing with it when I'm left out of the loop, etc. How about a breakdown of everything?
As a kid, though I was shy and geeky and made fun of, I always had friends. I had a best friend from about 2nd grade through 8th, named Aidan. We hung out like two peas in a pod during the summer. There were a smattering of other friends - some came, some went, some moved away, some just drifted away, but I always had Aidan, and other friends, so life was really great.
In 8th grade, Aidan ditched me out of jealousy, and took every. single. friend. I. had. with. her. She was jealous of the fact I was in the gifted classes and she wasn't. Those gifted classes, or rather, the people in them, made me want to die. So to be constantly in classes where I was completely alone, as well as being alone OUTSIDE of class as well, that's hard. If it hadn't been for my orchestra teacher, I may not have survived that harsh year and the summer that followed.
I went off to a high school very few of my former friends and classmates went to, which was a godsend. But at this new school, my new friends always forgot about me. They would go to lunch and leave me sitting in the classroom. They never waited for me. I felt forgotten, invisible and worthless. I had a month-long "relationship" with a boy, mostly out of desperation, who dumped me and then realized he was gay. (That was Glenn, for anyone who knows me well). Friends were still forgetting me. I ended up having a bit of a nervous breakdown, basically putting a sort of suicide note in Glenn's shoe during yoga class, and ditched school the next day. My friends were concerned, and called me during lunch because they were afraid I'd done something stupid.
From then on, I had no more friend issues in college. I had friends who remembered I existed, who stood by me. More friends came into the picture, some left, some moved, you know the story. But I was fine, because I had friends. I had someone to bitch to when I was sad. I had someone to show my artwork to. I was on top of the world.
Senior year, I fell in love with a boy based on our mutual understanding of depression, so I became depressed again to try and get his attention. Though we broke up, I ended up following both him and my other ex-boyfriend to NAU, because I was too damn afraid to go anywhere else, but sure as hell not staying home, since I was so dependent on my parents thanks to my overall shyness.
So, I go to NAU.
I meet friends. They forget I exist. They don't invite me to parties. They don't text me. They don't comment on my myspace journals, or on my facebook wall, or anything, though I can clearly see they do it perfectly fine with one another. That, coupled with a crushing school work load sent me into another nervous breakdown. I had even been going to therapy. The school therapist suggested I go to the hospital, so I did. I told some people online, and my friends visited me at the hospital while I was there a week. They didn't bring a card, most of them seemed awkward. But I thought, hey, maybe they would understand, just like last time... for a very short time, it sort of seemed to... but no, in actuality, they were probably just feeling sorry for me. I did think, hey, maybe I'm not trying hard enough. So I tried. Hard. I texted. I called. I became the team leader of Relay for Life so all my friends and I could bond. But instead they stayed silent at my meetings, and instead went over to Kim's place and came up with events on their own. Leaving me out of the loop. Again.
I'm really amazed I didn't kill myself before Freshman year was over. I'm not lying. It got bad. I would look out the window of Cowden's laundry room on the 3rd floor and wondered if the fall could kill me. I was miserable. I wanted to leave NAU forever and never look back. I had the application for U of A filled out and ready to send. Two people protested outright, one person didn't like the idea of me leaving, but supported it if it meant I would be happy. I don't think anyone else knew or cared. Those first two friends ended up dropping out themselves, and the last one has been my boyfriend for almost two years now (and this was before he was my boyfriend). In the end, I went back to NAU, because Cory was a good person, I liked him a lot, and wanted to be with him. In essence, I don't regret that specific thing, because I can honestly say he is one of the best things I've ever had in my life...
But apart from Cory, everything has been a wreck... my sophomore year was as lonely as freshman year, even though I had Cory. Yeah, okay, I had Cory, but if I were having problems with him, you know, feeling uneasy about his relationship with his other friend Meaghan, or what have you, I had hardly anyone one to talk to. Or at least anyone fully willing and wanting to listen. My closest-but-flaky friend Chris had just dealt with some really bad shit with her boyfriend, and who wants to talk to someone who bemoans about that all the time?
On top of that, I got a job that I was really excited about at the start... my Peter Piper Pizza job. I worked so hard, though I couldn't work that many hours because my schoolwork came first. A few months pass, and even though, despite my lack-of-hours, I ended up learning almost every job, I get passed up for a promotion, one that ten of my coworkers got, one of whom was at the exact same level I was. I was hurt, but thought surely I could do it again... time wore on - I got few hours... I stuck it out though.... if I worked hard, surely they would notice.... meanwhile, my fellow employees were getting close, hanging out at one another's house, some of them even befriending my bosses enough to hang out there. I hadn't made a single friend at work by the time that first year ended. Acquaintances, as always, but no friends....
For the most part, the majority of sophomore year has remained a total blur for me.... I think I remember four solid times I hung out with people. For the most part, I was left out. I remember that much.
I feel I need to clarify something here -- I met TONS of people those first two years. SO many. And alot of them - A LOT - liked talking to me, and, this one phrase, oh god how many times have I heard this phrase? They would always say this, or something very similar:
"Wow, Megan. You're pretty neat. We totally need to start hanging out more!"
Those last words are in italics because those words were ALWAYS the same! Those same eight fucking goddamn words... I've heard it so many times, often by the same PEOPLE, and yet, nothing ever came of it. After the first maybe five or ten times of nothing ever coming from it, especially when I gave an effort for it to, I began giving up. If people really thought I was that awesome, I'd get invited to things.
I only think maybe two people ever actually did that. Alyssa, and Maggie. And Cory. Okay, three.
This past year, most of the friends in the circle I'd been trying to befriend had dropped out entirely, and that circle had been split in two. I no longer had any friends in the art department (the one friend I had had grown distant anyways, choosing to hang out with other people, and, what do you know, leaving me behind after class ended), or in the psych department (same friend). I started rooming with another friend of mine, and we thought it would be great.... but our too-similar personalities drove each other insane. I also gave alot, thought about her feelings and her needs far too much over mine, while she didn't seem to notice I existed and it made me bitter, and she got bitter too. She wouldn't listen to much of the stuff I wanted to say, and it always felt like too much to ask to have her turn her music down. Again, I was getting left out alot by other friends, and she was feeling it too. I felt bad for her, feeling like they weren't inviting her so they wouldn't have to invite me.
I made random friends here and there, in psych class, in theater class... I did bible study... I tried to get out there a little more. But of course, when you get out there, you can make friends with people who would not get along with other friends. I cannot see my friends Rachel and Kimberly in the same room as my friend Eric, who swears and offers to fuck people's moms all the time. I thought it'd be nice to have some new friends, maybe end up in a new, more accepting circle. Some of them, I thought we would become great friends. I hung out with one quite a bit the beginning of second semester. But then I thought I was going to smother her and make her sick of me, so I didn't call her for awhile.... she ended up always, always, always being too busy for me. I know she tried to be there for me, and was one of the only people who noticed or gave a shit that I was hurting, but could only be there for me for maybe half an hour or so. It would take me a solid three hours to feel comfortable enough to start talking about how depressed I am or how much a window looks fun to jump out of - yes, such thoughts have crossed my mind alot the past year - but, no one to listen.... And all that made me feel terrible in the long run, when I thought back to times in the past when, you know, I skipped out doing an important essay for a class, the night before it was due, to be by my friend Chris's side in her moment of need... Cory, bless his heart, did do so much for me during all this time, but one person can only take so much.... and then I think, you know, what if it were to not work out between us? What the hell would I do then?
Work crashed and burned after I returned from summer, especially after working at Toys R Us that summer and actually being NOTICED for my hard work. December rolled around and i didn't get that damn promotion. It was then I knew something was wrong - I also learned I was supposed to have gotten a raise back in APRIL! I've thought about it since - I probably missed out on at least 300 bucks because of that. I got a little more friendly with some of the staff, like Ryan, and Becca. They cared that I was there, and tried to help me get ahead a little. They're both gone now. We only ever actually hung out when they were leaving and they realized we never hung out. Basically, they hung out with me out of pity.
So, can you see trends here? Can anyone understand why I often feel neglected by people? Why I feel forgotten? It's not that I haven't tried - I HAVE! But shit -- SHIT! You can only take so much until you just don't give a damn anymore. I cried when Becca had her surprise party when she was leaving Piper to go to Disney Internship. I cried when Alyssa got cards and flowers in her hospital room after her car accidents. I cried because I feel no one would give that much a shit about me in those situations. It sounds selfish and stupid, but I'm basically at a point now where all I am focusing on is myself, because no one else goddamn will. I've spent so much of college worrying about how other people feel and think. It's time to focus on my own goddamn self. FUCK YOU! (YES I AM ANGRY AND BITTER AND I JUST WANT TO LEAVE THIS FUCKING PLACE!!!)
So.... that's been my social life....
Showing posts with label About Me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label About Me. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
The Story
My life does not seem difficult. At it's essence, it's not. I go to a state university in Arizona. I'm 21-years-old. I come from a fairly well-off family, with my father covering my education, room and board for the most part. During this financial crisis, I have a job. I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me unconditionally. I'm an art major, an easy major. I minor in psychology because it interests me so much - I soak up information to the point I rarely need to study. It seems to me alot of people consider I should have nothing to complain about.
If only it were true.
Of course, anyone can say life is hard sometimes. But, for me, it's a little different. I have a severe case of general anxiety disorder, with an emphasis on social anxiety. I also have a strong history of depression. Sometimes, I can deal with life normally enough, but for the most part, even the most normal, day-to-day challenges of life are enough to derail me. Lately, I've found that it takes alot of courage simply to step outside the door. It gets to the point where the only way I can bring myself to leave my apartment is for a) school, b) work, c) my boyfriend, or d) when I'm desperate enough for food (or diet coke, my one true addiction). I have let myself starve for the solitude of my room. And then, the thought of social interaction of nearly any kind is enough to give me a panic attack - I'm a very awkward person, without any well-established, culturally-conformed idea of how to socialize, whether it's talking to people I don't know, or how to call a friend to meet up. I have no confidence in myself, and no clear concept of why anyone would want to hang out with me when there are so many other better people in the world. I feel like I have only one person to depend on, my boyfriend, Cory, but that brings me alot of pain, because it's not fair to him to be the one crutch I have, and if anything were to happen between us, I would be alone... On top of this, things I used to enjoy once, like drawing amazing fanart, or even watching tv, are no longer enjoyable for me now. I live in a foggy world where days run together, where I can't remember the most simple of tasks, to where I just don't care about how I look or what kind of mess I live in, really...
That is my world, and not even the deepest, darkest parts of it. And I know what people must think - in fact, people have told me so. Why don't I get therapy? Why don't I take anti-depressants? Why don't I leave this town, this school, this job behind, or find new friends?
I answer, in reverse order:
New friends? I've tried for three years to establish meaningful, mutually beneficial relationships with so many people... and for whatever reason, even though I always hear "Wow, you're really cool! We should hang out more!" I hear nothing... it's like being in a party full of acquaintances, people you know, but all of whom have their own friends to hang out with and talk to, and they don't really want you in on their conversation - you feel alone at the thought, don't you? That's how I feel.
The job? I have applied to other places, but the thing is, truthfully, that I am picky, but on top of this, jobs in a town that has college students as half its population, good entry-level part-time jobs are seriously hard to come by, ESPECIALLY right now with the economy the way it is. I have friends with plenty of work experience who turn in 30 applications and get zero callins. Currently, I work at a pizza place. There, I have, for nearly two years now, been repeatedly overlooked and forgotten for things like mandatory pay raises and promotions, and even simply hours - I have had weeks where I wasn't scheduled at all, even though I can work 30 hours a week. Much of it is my fault, for being too afraid to speak directly to my managers about these issues. But it's really hard for me to call authority figures out on their flaws, especially because I've long been told my way of viewing things is wrong (regardless of whether this is true). So for now, I feel trapped there. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with it all I have to hold my hands under scalding hot water in the handwashing sinks until I can calm down a little.
The school? I have a year left... schedule permitting. It'll be my luck that I don't get the classes I need and I have to stay an extra semester.... I never fully ever wanted to come here to begin with. I just followed some friends (an ex-boyfriend, mainly) because I was afraid. I knew I could go here, and I knew I could with very minimal effort (other state colleges required entrance essays - it made me too anxious to apply, forget submitting a portfolio or anything...) I should have left when I first wanted to, my freshman year. But some friends who ended up dropping out themselves, plus my boyfriend-who-wasn't-yet-my-boyfriend insisted I stay. So I did. Apart from my boyfriend, I regret it all. I hope the day comes where I wont say that, but for the moment, I do. But I can't leave. I also feel like so much of my suffering will have gone to nothing if I don't graduate from here....
The town? This kinda goes hand-in-hand with the school - cuz I could drop out, and stay here, but really... that's not gonna happen. I'm stuck in a very strict apartment lease until May 2010. Breaking that lease will cost me 1800 dollars. I can't even sublet my share of the apartment. I probably would've dropped out this summer if this hadn't happened - my dad is very strict about money, and it does cause me to do what I'd rather not do, because I'm thinking so much about my dad's wallet. I actually have had panic attacks about asking him to pay for things, like, school, tests, school applications. When someone bitches about money as much as he does, you just don't want to ask anymore, even when that means you're broke and, you know, depressed out of your goddamn mind.
Anti-depressants? I have been on drugs for depression twice before. And I. don't. like. them. True, when you're on them, you don't feel unhappy.... but you don't feel happy either. You don't feel anything. You just... exist. You think so rationally that imagination vanishes - and I am an artist and a writer. I would rather be miserable and have my imagination to console me than be stuck in a neverending, zombie-like emotional limbo. They're just not for me.
And therapy? I've been in therapy a couple of times before. I've been in a hospital before. Freshman year I had therapy. I stopped, right before it got its worse, actually. And I just couldn't bring myself to go back. I felt ashamed for leaving in the first place, felt ashamed for what happened after, and couldn't bring myself to tell my old shrink this, a shrink I did very much get along with and who helped me tremendously. That was two years ago. In May, I went back to him. I had to. I realized I wasn't getting anywhere. Unfortunately, he was leaving for the summer, and the person he referred me to to help me during the summer while he was gone was just.... terrible. He made me feel so much like crap the first visit that I couldn't do anything the rest of the day because I felt so goddamn awful. He wouldn't listen to anything I had to say, disproving everything as "just in my head" basically, and if there's ANYTHING I hate, it's THAT! Because, yes, how you interpret the world has a large effect on how you feel about it, but that doesn't mean certain things did not happen. So I decided to ditch him, and just wait for my other counselor to return in the fall. Well, it's fall. And I'm going to be calling the counseling center and start up appointments again.
And that brings us to this blog.
I want to change things for myself. I really do. I know that journaling about it can help so much. So, this is my place, to write about how I'm doing, how I'm improving, how I'm not, what I am doing to get better.... maybe one day I will get better, and I can use this blog to help others figure it out for themselves, too.
I want to change my brain.... and make it work the way it should, free of anxiety attacks, free of depression, free of loneliness and feelings of worthlessness.
This is my story xP
If only it were true.
Of course, anyone can say life is hard sometimes. But, for me, it's a little different. I have a severe case of general anxiety disorder, with an emphasis on social anxiety. I also have a strong history of depression. Sometimes, I can deal with life normally enough, but for the most part, even the most normal, day-to-day challenges of life are enough to derail me. Lately, I've found that it takes alot of courage simply to step outside the door. It gets to the point where the only way I can bring myself to leave my apartment is for a) school, b) work, c) my boyfriend, or d) when I'm desperate enough for food (or diet coke, my one true addiction). I have let myself starve for the solitude of my room. And then, the thought of social interaction of nearly any kind is enough to give me a panic attack - I'm a very awkward person, without any well-established, culturally-conformed idea of how to socialize, whether it's talking to people I don't know, or how to call a friend to meet up. I have no confidence in myself, and no clear concept of why anyone would want to hang out with me when there are so many other better people in the world. I feel like I have only one person to depend on, my boyfriend, Cory, but that brings me alot of pain, because it's not fair to him to be the one crutch I have, and if anything were to happen between us, I would be alone... On top of this, things I used to enjoy once, like drawing amazing fanart, or even watching tv, are no longer enjoyable for me now. I live in a foggy world where days run together, where I can't remember the most simple of tasks, to where I just don't care about how I look or what kind of mess I live in, really...
That is my world, and not even the deepest, darkest parts of it. And I know what people must think - in fact, people have told me so. Why don't I get therapy? Why don't I take anti-depressants? Why don't I leave this town, this school, this job behind, or find new friends?
I answer, in reverse order:
New friends? I've tried for three years to establish meaningful, mutually beneficial relationships with so many people... and for whatever reason, even though I always hear "Wow, you're really cool! We should hang out more!" I hear nothing... it's like being in a party full of acquaintances, people you know, but all of whom have their own friends to hang out with and talk to, and they don't really want you in on their conversation - you feel alone at the thought, don't you? That's how I feel.
The job? I have applied to other places, but the thing is, truthfully, that I am picky, but on top of this, jobs in a town that has college students as half its population, good entry-level part-time jobs are seriously hard to come by, ESPECIALLY right now with the economy the way it is. I have friends with plenty of work experience who turn in 30 applications and get zero callins. Currently, I work at a pizza place. There, I have, for nearly two years now, been repeatedly overlooked and forgotten for things like mandatory pay raises and promotions, and even simply hours - I have had weeks where I wasn't scheduled at all, even though I can work 30 hours a week. Much of it is my fault, for being too afraid to speak directly to my managers about these issues. But it's really hard for me to call authority figures out on their flaws, especially because I've long been told my way of viewing things is wrong (regardless of whether this is true). So for now, I feel trapped there. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with it all I have to hold my hands under scalding hot water in the handwashing sinks until I can calm down a little.
The school? I have a year left... schedule permitting. It'll be my luck that I don't get the classes I need and I have to stay an extra semester.... I never fully ever wanted to come here to begin with. I just followed some friends (an ex-boyfriend, mainly) because I was afraid. I knew I could go here, and I knew I could with very minimal effort (other state colleges required entrance essays - it made me too anxious to apply, forget submitting a portfolio or anything...) I should have left when I first wanted to, my freshman year. But some friends who ended up dropping out themselves, plus my boyfriend-who-wasn't-yet-my-boyfriend insisted I stay. So I did. Apart from my boyfriend, I regret it all. I hope the day comes where I wont say that, but for the moment, I do. But I can't leave. I also feel like so much of my suffering will have gone to nothing if I don't graduate from here....
The town? This kinda goes hand-in-hand with the school - cuz I could drop out, and stay here, but really... that's not gonna happen. I'm stuck in a very strict apartment lease until May 2010. Breaking that lease will cost me 1800 dollars. I can't even sublet my share of the apartment. I probably would've dropped out this summer if this hadn't happened - my dad is very strict about money, and it does cause me to do what I'd rather not do, because I'm thinking so much about my dad's wallet. I actually have had panic attacks about asking him to pay for things, like, school, tests, school applications. When someone bitches about money as much as he does, you just don't want to ask anymore, even when that means you're broke and, you know, depressed out of your goddamn mind.
Anti-depressants? I have been on drugs for depression twice before. And I. don't. like. them. True, when you're on them, you don't feel unhappy.... but you don't feel happy either. You don't feel anything. You just... exist. You think so rationally that imagination vanishes - and I am an artist and a writer. I would rather be miserable and have my imagination to console me than be stuck in a neverending, zombie-like emotional limbo. They're just not for me.
And therapy? I've been in therapy a couple of times before. I've been in a hospital before. Freshman year I had therapy. I stopped, right before it got its worse, actually. And I just couldn't bring myself to go back. I felt ashamed for leaving in the first place, felt ashamed for what happened after, and couldn't bring myself to tell my old shrink this, a shrink I did very much get along with and who helped me tremendously. That was two years ago. In May, I went back to him. I had to. I realized I wasn't getting anywhere. Unfortunately, he was leaving for the summer, and the person he referred me to to help me during the summer while he was gone was just.... terrible. He made me feel so much like crap the first visit that I couldn't do anything the rest of the day because I felt so goddamn awful. He wouldn't listen to anything I had to say, disproving everything as "just in my head" basically, and if there's ANYTHING I hate, it's THAT! Because, yes, how you interpret the world has a large effect on how you feel about it, but that doesn't mean certain things did not happen. So I decided to ditch him, and just wait for my other counselor to return in the fall. Well, it's fall. And I'm going to be calling the counseling center and start up appointments again.
And that brings us to this blog.
I want to change things for myself. I really do. I know that journaling about it can help so much. So, this is my place, to write about how I'm doing, how I'm improving, how I'm not, what I am doing to get better.... maybe one day I will get better, and I can use this blog to help others figure it out for themselves, too.
I want to change my brain.... and make it work the way it should, free of anxiety attacks, free of depression, free of loneliness and feelings of worthlessness.
This is my story xP
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