The Future, pt 2

I can flip-flop alot in my feelings when it comes to the future. My last post was me worrying. This post, I'm going to be looking forward.

It's no secret that I feel trapped and alone in my current situation at NAU. Alot of what it is is that... I dunno, I don't feel at home in Flagstaff. I don't feel at peace. You know how they say that when you go shopping for a house, you should pay attention to how the house makes you feel? I think the same goes for cities, or, ahem, schools. Yes, schools, that's an excellent example! I stepped onto Tucson High's campus when I was in 7th grade, and somehow, it just beckoned to me. It sang like angels. I felt completely put-out the first time I stepped onto NAU campus. I didn't like it almost immediately. I just didn't feel right there, didn't feel accepted. I wanted to leave, but you know what? I stuck around.

Now, I'm looking at less than a year's time til I'll have to leave it (hopefully). And minus my boyfriend and the few friends who do kinda matter to me (as well as Hiro's sushi and Hastings), I will not be sad to leave it. At all. I will not miss the atmosphere (I mean that literally - I can't breathe well at such a high altitude), I will not miss the sparse shopping, the stupid people (like those who shout things at me downtown -_-), or stupid fricken Northern Arizona University. I will not miss the high rent prices (Seriously - 1000 bucks a month for those things?? JESUS!), or ALL THE FRICKEN BUGS!

Just, living in Flagstaff, I've come to realize that my place really is in the city. Yeah, I like mountains - but I like visiting them. I don't like living in them. Trees are fine and all that, and I love snow, and I love the view of mountains on the horizon, but, hello, those descriptions probably accounts for, um, probably 60% of the United States. And I have always loved the city. Downtown Tucson is my favorite part of Tucson - Downtown Flagstaff was the only thing I liked about Flagstaff (and now I just don't want anything to do with it after that shouting-I'm-fat incident). I loved being in the middle of San Diego and looking up at all the condos and skyscrapers, surrounded by shitloads of people who don't notice you amongst the throng of hundreds of thousands. Hell, I love the big malls and the bustle of Phoenix, as much as I hate to admit it. I love being able to feel like I blend in, rather than sticking out like a sore thumb. Tucson High did that for me, Tucson in general did that for me. Flagstaff is just too small - I don't even want to ride my bike because I don't want my fat ass clogging up the intersections (they don't believe in bike lanes in the mountains, apparently).

I just... look forward to getting out of Flag, of leaving all the hurt and awfulness I've experienced here behind and just starting anew. I can't wait to get a good job somewhere - any job that pays more than minimum wage, you know? I would love to be able to live on my own, without having to depend on my parents. I mean, it is scary to think about bills and all that stuff, but I think that's mainly because I can barely pay for electricity on my own right now, much less FOOD for myself. And I know that's my own fault, for not being more assertive with my job and blah blah blah. But one day, I wont have that job. I'll have a better one, one that makes me feel good, one where I feel I belong, one where I make a difference, and one where I make an actual salary. I can have a place to call home, not be jumping from rock to rock.

XD I've been watching too much House Hunters and My First Place and other shows of that sort... Is that obvious?

But really, in the end... I really, really hope, that during the whole long journey after college... that Cory is by my side with me. Whether figuratively (since I'll probably have to leave him in Flagstaff for a year or two) or literally (thereafter). He makes my life feel... perfect, I guess. For the most part, when I'm with him, nothing really seems to matter anymore. I'm very lucky to have him, and when I feel down, that's what I grab to hold onto... I love him so much....