Source of Anxiety and Depression #1: Internet

I am fully and completely aware of how much internet controls my life.

Seriously. I know I have a problem. Add internet addiction to my list of psych disorders.

How I've spent my summer - staying up til darn-well-near-dawn refreshing facebook and twitter and deviantart and all my webcomics over and over and over and over and over and over and over (and you get the idea), while also stumbling from website to website over and over and etc.

So, when I could be doing more productive things like cleaning, or painting, or writing, or accomplishing errands and similar tasks, or even when I could be doing more basic things, like eating, or sleeping, or bathing, I instead opt to internet to the point of complete exhaustion.

The consequences of this

1) Nothing gets done. Ever.

I pretty much mean never. I have zero willpower - it is super hard for me to put this damn computer away. I mean, look at me now. It's 3am. I've been up 18 hours, and it's been a long day. But I can't help but be on here. No artwork is getting done. No story is getting written. Nothign is getting done... and this causes me so much pain and unhappiness, but it's a vicious cycle and only an extreme boost of confidence or a swift kick in the ass can break me out of it, and even then, it's only for a short amount of time.

2) Loneliness consistently causes me to impulsively update facebook statuses spamfully, which probably, in turn, leads to further loneliness.

Basically, people will read my impulsive statuses and think I'm nothing more than a whiny complainy bitch who needs therapy. So, more likely than not, they avoid me. But then, it'll happen where someone is totally and completely surprised when we actually hang out that I actually tend to be pretty talkative, friendly, warm sort of person. I say generally - everyone has their outwardly bad days. Outwardly. Inwardly, I'm still in pain, but it's rare I really, truly show it. Basically, it's just easier for me to type my feelings out than to say them -- in fact, it is usually impossible for me to vocalize ANYTHING having to do with my problems For example, how many times has my friend Maggie noticed something's wrong with me through twitter statuses, but then when we get together, I say I'm fine and really don't go too much into detail? Well, while it can be relatively easy for me to talk about superficial problems (and that's mostly all people ever hear when I complain to them), talking about deeply-rooted, soul-crushing problems takes much more strength than I usually possess, as well as much more time than thirty minutes to be able to express. And yes, someday soon, this will be the job for my therapist, leaving facebook off the hook a bit. I think this blog will help, too, eleviate that problem a bit....

....Two massive consequences to internet addiction. Seriously, if I were to break away from the vicious grip of the internet, my life would probably run alot smoother. But internet is so much a part of our culture, and very much required for school. How am I supposed to drop it? One solution would be to enforce strict internet-usage rules... but I have very little self-discipline and willpower with such matters (similar matters: sleeping in, diet coke consumption, homework procrastination, sugar consumption). At this stage of my life, it's asking alot to try and limit my internet usage... I'm hoping that I can gradually fix this... fix all of my addictions, really.

And people wonder why I stay away from alcohol....