Last Time I Was "Doing Well"

Was there ever a time in my life where I was doing well? Where I wasn't as afraid about things? Where I felt the most productive, the most depression-ridden?

I've always been a fearful child. My parents really shouldn't have been surprised at all about how I turned out. I was a regular Chuckie Finster - I couldn't talk to strangers, I had to pee in a familiar toilet (outhouses? I'd scream), was so afraid of fire alarms that I made us leave a movie theater before the movie started because I saw one and was afraid of it going off. Those are my best three examples of how terrified I could be about things. The strangers one still remains. I just don't know how to walk up to people and ask things, especially people I perceive to have authority, like a teacher, an advisor, or a boss.

But has there been a time I was doing better?

Yes, there has been.

I consider two times of my life as the most productive, best, non-depression-filled times of my life. Overall, elementary school was great, but sixth grade especially rocked. I was in sports, I was kicking school butt, I had so many wonderful friends. (I lost them all in 8th grade - that's another post). Then, when I was a junior in high school. That was probably the most productive, strongest time of my life, and I really can attribute it to one thing: meditating.

Really? Meditating? Well, a more specific, group sort of meditation. The first or second weekend of my junior year, my dad took me to Casa Grande for a beginner's course in the Silva Method of Mind Development, and we followed up with it as often as we could, since they had a monthly meeting.

And I did amazing that year. Only had one really bad panic attack from what I remember, and that was justified, stupid freaking school administration. They screwed me over for scheduling for the next year (my alphabet group was supposed to go first - they put us last. I ended up not being able to get pre-calculus, and I, in the end, ended up doing 9 out of 7 classes my senior year.... I digress). I made alot of friends that year, took hard classes and effing OWNED THEM! I took an A.P. U.S. History exam and got a 4 on it, and I meditated before it, telling myself I would do well, and I surprisingly did. I auditioned for advanced steel drums (I've avoided auditioning my whole life, pretty much), and actually auditioned for chamber orchestra, even though I hadn't played in two years, and got into both. (I did have a little panic attack around steel drums time.... so two panic attacks XD That's still less than I have now)

Overall, I feel it was one of the most non-depressed times in my life.

And then, HE came along X( Stupid freaking Christopher.

Boyfriend in high school. He was depressed, I discovered how much I liked him in conjunction with this, and used my depression to try and get him to like me the same way. Not healthy. One bit. I was overly obsessed, and followed him here, to NAU, where I am still pretty miserable. I thank him for dumping me, though, and I thank him for dropping out of NAU. And I thank Cory, my current boyfriend, for coming along and showing me what love is truly like.

One day, I'd like to go back to doing Silva. But the monthly meetings really help you keep a positive attitude about things, and driving three hours there and three hours back every third Monday of the month... kinda crazy. My dad has told me he'd get me copies of the meditation CDs he has from it, and maybe I'll try to go back and meditate just a little bit when I feel stress....

The power of negative thinking.... totally whips your ass XD