A drama queen, or justified?

I always get a sense, probably justified, that people don't believe me about alot of things. I always get a feeling that my friends think I'm just whiny, bitchy, lazy and overreact about trivial things, rather than, you know, having severe mental problems like general anxiety disorder and a strong case of depression that has lasted the past four years. Only a small handful of them know I spent a week in the behavior health ward of Flagstaff Medical Center during freshman year (not one of the people who visited me then are friends to me now). I have told other people, but I don't think they believe me, mainly because, as I do with everything, I throw a humorous light to it by saying "It was fun. They had puzzles." (Both statements of which ARE true. Although I suppose it wasn't fun so much as enjoyable, to be able to relax and, for the most part, focus on me).

I wish I could explain to my friends just how difficult it is for me to deal with day-to-day living, particularly with such limited support. The only true support I have is Cory, and that is a lot of shit to put on one person, particularly a person who has medical problems of his own to deal with. I don't talk to my parents about much of anything. I talk to my older brother once a year. I have friends here in Flagstaff I see only once a year.

I just wonder if anything would change if people knew the truth. Would people think of me different if I told them how many times Freshman year (and after) I would go driving somewhere and be tempted to crash my car into a telephone pole at 60mph? Would people suddenly understand me better if I explained the reason why I still haven't gotten over no one remembering my birthday freshman year (it was the first time I ever slit my wrists), or why I was so messed up during Relay for Life the next week (no one noticed the cuts). Or would they just alienate me more? My friend Eric believes cutters just do it for attention - if that were true, my therapist would know. He does not. The only person who does is Cory, and I was only able to tell him in a long winded note a year later, when he was like "Why the hell do you care so much about your birthday?" He understood. I don't know if anyone else would.

People don't believe me at work either. Last year, I was either sick or injured so often, I don't think there was a single pay period where I didn't have to call in to say I couldn't come in. Not one of those was a lie - I was always genuinely sick, or my ankle was messed up, or I was suffering from heat exhaustion from the Rennaissance Festival. I'm sure people are like "Hey, we come in sick! You should deal with it too." The thing was, my first YEAR with them, I called in sick maybe once. I came in sick every other time. No one noticed. No one cared. I was not considered a better worker for doing so - I was, and still am, invisible. I just don't care anymore.

I went to work the day after my uncle died. I was out of it and half-crying the whole time. I said "I'm fine" when anyone asked. I still don't think anyone knows - most likely, everyone thought I was just being stupid. Seems to be their mentality over there.

I just don't understand how I can be so alone. How everyone can just ignore me, you know? I've always believed in a world full of compassion and love and understanding, on some level. I guess that mentality just doesn't work in college, where it's all about fun, beer, sex, drugs, and lastly homework. Friends with issues just don't fit the bill unless they're somehow really entertaining about it... I guess I'm not.

The Future, pt 2

I can flip-flop alot in my feelings when it comes to the future. My last post was me worrying. This post, I'm going to be looking forward.

It's no secret that I feel trapped and alone in my current situation at NAU. Alot of what it is is that... I dunno, I don't feel at home in Flagstaff. I don't feel at peace. You know how they say that when you go shopping for a house, you should pay attention to how the house makes you feel? I think the same goes for cities, or, ahem, schools. Yes, schools, that's an excellent example! I stepped onto Tucson High's campus when I was in 7th grade, and somehow, it just beckoned to me. It sang like angels. I felt completely put-out the first time I stepped onto NAU campus. I didn't like it almost immediately. I just didn't feel right there, didn't feel accepted. I wanted to leave, but you know what? I stuck around.

Now, I'm looking at less than a year's time til I'll have to leave it (hopefully). And minus my boyfriend and the few friends who do kinda matter to me (as well as Hiro's sushi and Hastings), I will not be sad to leave it. At all. I will not miss the atmosphere (I mean that literally - I can't breathe well at such a high altitude), I will not miss the sparse shopping, the stupid people (like those who shout things at me downtown -_-), or stupid fricken Northern Arizona University. I will not miss the high rent prices (Seriously - 1000 bucks a month for those things?? JESUS!), or ALL THE FRICKEN BUGS!

Just, living in Flagstaff, I've come to realize that my place really is in the city. Yeah, I like mountains - but I like visiting them. I don't like living in them. Trees are fine and all that, and I love snow, and I love the view of mountains on the horizon, but, hello, those descriptions probably accounts for, um, probably 60% of the United States. And I have always loved the city. Downtown Tucson is my favorite part of Tucson - Downtown Flagstaff was the only thing I liked about Flagstaff (and now I just don't want anything to do with it after that shouting-I'm-fat incident). I loved being in the middle of San Diego and looking up at all the condos and skyscrapers, surrounded by shitloads of people who don't notice you amongst the throng of hundreds of thousands. Hell, I love the big malls and the bustle of Phoenix, as much as I hate to admit it. I love being able to feel like I blend in, rather than sticking out like a sore thumb. Tucson High did that for me, Tucson in general did that for me. Flagstaff is just too small - I don't even want to ride my bike because I don't want my fat ass clogging up the intersections (they don't believe in bike lanes in the mountains, apparently).

I just... look forward to getting out of Flag, of leaving all the hurt and awfulness I've experienced here behind and just starting anew. I can't wait to get a good job somewhere - any job that pays more than minimum wage, you know? I would love to be able to live on my own, without having to depend on my parents. I mean, it is scary to think about bills and all that stuff, but I think that's mainly because I can barely pay for electricity on my own right now, much less FOOD for myself. And I know that's my own fault, for not being more assertive with my job and blah blah blah. But one day, I wont have that job. I'll have a better one, one that makes me feel good, one where I feel I belong, one where I make a difference, and one where I make an actual salary. I can have a place to call home, not be jumping from rock to rock.

XD I've been watching too much House Hunters and My First Place and other shows of that sort... Is that obvious?

But really, in the end... I really, really hope, that during the whole long journey after college... that Cory is by my side with me. Whether figuratively (since I'll probably have to leave him in Flagstaff for a year or two) or literally (thereafter). He makes my life feel... perfect, I guess. For the most part, when I'm with him, nothing really seems to matter anymore. I'm very lucky to have him, and when I feel down, that's what I grab to hold onto... I love him so much....

The Future

I worry about the future.

Of course I do. What isn't there to worry about, you know?

I worry about life after college... where will I go? What will I do? What can I do with this bullshit crap degree I'm earning?

Will I ever be accepted? Will I ever have friends I can count on?

Will Cory and I still be together? Will we drift apart? God, I hope not.

Will I get married one day? Have a family? Will anyone other than relatives show up to the baby shower? Will I have friends?

(The friends one gets to me, have you noticed?)

Will a day come where I wont worry so badly about money? God, I worry now - what about when I have actual bills to pay...? ...rent... phone... electricity... health... How the hell will I survive out there? Will I end up earning minimum wage forever?

Will I ever be happy?

My Friendship History

Some people wonder why I make such a big deal out of social things... why I have a hard time contacting people. Why I have a hard time dealing with it when I'm left out of the loop, etc. How about a breakdown of everything?

As a kid, though I was shy and geeky and made fun of, I always had friends. I had a best friend from about 2nd grade through 8th, named Aidan. We hung out like two peas in a pod during the summer. There were a smattering of other friends - some came, some went, some moved away, some just drifted away, but I always had Aidan, and other friends, so life was really great.

In 8th grade, Aidan ditched me out of jealousy, and took every. single. friend. I. had. with. her. She was jealous of the fact I was in the gifted classes and she wasn't. Those gifted classes, or rather, the people in them, made me want to die. So to be constantly in classes where I was completely alone, as well as being alone OUTSIDE of class as well, that's hard. If it hadn't been for my orchestra teacher, I may not have survived that harsh year and the summer that followed.

I went off to a high school very few of my former friends and classmates went to, which was a godsend. But at this new school, my new friends always forgot about me. They would go to lunch and leave me sitting in the classroom. They never waited for me. I felt forgotten, invisible and worthless. I had a month-long "relationship" with a boy, mostly out of desperation, who dumped me and then realized he was gay. (That was Glenn, for anyone who knows me well). Friends were still forgetting me. I ended up having a bit of a nervous breakdown, basically putting a sort of suicide note in Glenn's shoe during yoga class, and ditched school the next day. My friends were concerned, and called me during lunch because they were afraid I'd done something stupid.

From then on, I had no more friend issues in college. I had friends who remembered I existed, who stood by me. More friends came into the picture, some left, some moved, you know the story. But I was fine, because I had friends. I had someone to bitch to when I was sad. I had someone to show my artwork to. I was on top of the world.

Senior year, I fell in love with a boy based on our mutual understanding of depression, so I became depressed again to try and get his attention. Though we broke up, I ended up following both him and my other ex-boyfriend to NAU, because I was too damn afraid to go anywhere else, but sure as hell not staying home, since I was so dependent on my parents thanks to my overall shyness.

So, I go to NAU.

I meet friends. They forget I exist. They don't invite me to parties. They don't text me. They don't comment on my myspace journals, or on my facebook wall, or anything, though I can clearly see they do it perfectly fine with one another. That, coupled with a crushing school work load sent me into another nervous breakdown. I had even been going to therapy. The school therapist suggested I go to the hospital, so I did. I told some people online, and my friends visited me at the hospital while I was there a week. They didn't bring a card, most of them seemed awkward. But I thought, hey, maybe they would understand, just like last time... for a very short time, it sort of seemed to... but no, in actuality, they were probably just feeling sorry for me. I did think, hey, maybe I'm not trying hard enough. So I tried. Hard. I texted. I called. I became the team leader of Relay for Life so all my friends and I could bond. But instead they stayed silent at my meetings, and instead went over to Kim's place and came up with events on their own. Leaving me out of the loop. Again.

I'm really amazed I didn't kill myself before Freshman year was over. I'm not lying. It got bad. I would look out the window of Cowden's laundry room on the 3rd floor and wondered if the fall could kill me. I was miserable. I wanted to leave NAU forever and never look back. I had the application for U of A filled out and ready to send. Two people protested outright, one person didn't like the idea of me leaving, but supported it if it meant I would be happy. I don't think anyone else knew or cared. Those first two friends ended up dropping out themselves, and the last one has been my boyfriend for almost two years now (and this was before he was my boyfriend). In the end, I went back to NAU, because Cory was a good person, I liked him a lot, and wanted to be with him. In essence, I don't regret that specific thing, because I can honestly say he is one of the best things I've ever had in my life...

But apart from Cory, everything has been a wreck... my sophomore year was as lonely as freshman year, even though I had Cory. Yeah, okay, I had Cory, but if I were having problems with him, you know, feeling uneasy about his relationship with his other friend Meaghan, or what have you, I had hardly anyone one to talk to. Or at least anyone fully willing and wanting to listen. My closest-but-flaky friend Chris had just dealt with some really bad shit with her boyfriend, and who wants to talk to someone who bemoans about that all the time?

On top of that, I got a job that I was really excited about at the start... my Peter Piper Pizza job. I worked so hard, though I couldn't work that many hours because my schoolwork came first. A few months pass, and even though, despite my lack-of-hours, I ended up learning almost every job, I get passed up for a promotion, one that ten of my coworkers got, one of whom was at the exact same level I was. I was hurt, but thought surely I could do it again... time wore on - I got few hours... I stuck it out though.... if I worked hard, surely they would notice.... meanwhile, my fellow employees were getting close, hanging out at one another's house, some of them even befriending my bosses enough to hang out there. I hadn't made a single friend at work by the time that first year ended. Acquaintances, as always, but no friends....

For the most part, the majority of sophomore year has remained a total blur for me.... I think I remember four solid times I hung out with people. For the most part, I was left out. I remember that much.

I feel I need to clarify something here -- I met TONS of people those first two years. SO many. And alot of them - A LOT - liked talking to me, and, this one phrase, oh god how many times have I heard this phrase? They would always say this, or something very similar:

"Wow, Megan. You're pretty neat. We totally need to start hanging out more!"

Those last words are in italics because those words were ALWAYS the same! Those same eight fucking goddamn words... I've heard it so many times, often by the same PEOPLE, and yet, nothing ever came of it. After the first maybe five or ten times of nothing ever coming from it, especially when I gave an effort for it to, I began giving up. If people really thought I was that awesome, I'd get invited to things.

I only think maybe two people ever actually did that. Alyssa, and Maggie. And Cory. Okay, three.

This past year, most of the friends in the circle I'd been trying to befriend had dropped out entirely, and that circle had been split in two. I no longer had any friends in the art department (the one friend I had had grown distant anyways, choosing to hang out with other people, and, what do you know, leaving me behind after class ended), or in the psych department (same friend). I started rooming with another friend of mine, and we thought it would be great.... but our too-similar personalities drove each other insane. I also gave alot, thought about her feelings and her needs far too much over mine, while she didn't seem to notice I existed and it made me bitter, and she got bitter too. She wouldn't listen to much of the stuff I wanted to say, and it always felt like too much to ask to have her turn her music down. Again, I was getting left out alot by other friends, and she was feeling it too. I felt bad for her, feeling like they weren't inviting her so they wouldn't have to invite me.

I made random friends here and there, in psych class, in theater class... I did bible study... I tried to get out there a little more. But of course, when you get out there, you can make friends with people who would not get along with other friends. I cannot see my friends Rachel and Kimberly in the same room as my friend Eric, who swears and offers to fuck people's moms all the time. I thought it'd be nice to have some new friends, maybe end up in a new, more accepting circle. Some of them, I thought we would become great friends. I hung out with one quite a bit the beginning of second semester. But then I thought I was going to smother her and make her sick of me, so I didn't call her for awhile.... she ended up always, always, always being too busy for me. I know she tried to be there for me, and was one of the only people who noticed or gave a shit that I was hurting, but could only be there for me for maybe half an hour or so. It would take me a solid three hours to feel comfortable enough to start talking about how depressed I am or how much a window looks fun to jump out of - yes, such thoughts have crossed my mind alot the past year - but, no one to listen.... And all that made me feel terrible in the long run, when I thought back to times in the past when, you know, I skipped out doing an important essay for a class, the night before it was due, to be by my friend Chris's side in her moment of need... Cory, bless his heart, did do so much for me during all this time, but one person can only take so much.... and then I think, you know, what if it were to not work out between us? What the hell would I do then?

Work crashed and burned after I returned from summer, especially after working at Toys R Us that summer and actually being NOTICED for my hard work. December rolled around and i didn't get that damn promotion. It was then I knew something was wrong - I also learned I was supposed to have gotten a raise back in APRIL! I've thought about it since - I probably missed out on at least 300 bucks because of that. I got a little more friendly with some of the staff, like Ryan, and Becca. They cared that I was there, and tried to help me get ahead a little. They're both gone now. We only ever actually hung out when they were leaving and they realized we never hung out. Basically, they hung out with me out of pity.

So, can you see trends here? Can anyone understand why I often feel neglected by people? Why I feel forgotten? It's not that I haven't tried - I HAVE! But shit -- SHIT! You can only take so much until you just don't give a damn anymore. I cried when Becca had her surprise party when she was leaving Piper to go to Disney Internship. I cried when Alyssa got cards and flowers in her hospital room after her car accidents. I cried because I feel no one would give that much a shit about me in those situations. It sounds selfish and stupid, but I'm basically at a point now where all I am focusing on is myself, because no one else goddamn will. I've spent so much of college worrying about how other people feel and think. It's time to focus on my own goddamn self. FUCK YOU! (YES I AM ANGRY AND BITTER AND I JUST WANT TO LEAVE THIS FUCKING PLACE!!!)

So.... that's been my social life....

Last Time I Was "Doing Well"

Was there ever a time in my life where I was doing well? Where I wasn't as afraid about things? Where I felt the most productive, the most depression-ridden?

I've always been a fearful child. My parents really shouldn't have been surprised at all about how I turned out. I was a regular Chuckie Finster - I couldn't talk to strangers, I had to pee in a familiar toilet (outhouses? I'd scream), was so afraid of fire alarms that I made us leave a movie theater before the movie started because I saw one and was afraid of it going off. Those are my best three examples of how terrified I could be about things. The strangers one still remains. I just don't know how to walk up to people and ask things, especially people I perceive to have authority, like a teacher, an advisor, or a boss.

But has there been a time I was doing better?

Yes, there has been.

I consider two times of my life as the most productive, best, non-depression-filled times of my life. Overall, elementary school was great, but sixth grade especially rocked. I was in sports, I was kicking school butt, I had so many wonderful friends. (I lost them all in 8th grade - that's another post). Then, when I was a junior in high school. That was probably the most productive, strongest time of my life, and I really can attribute it to one thing: meditating.

Really? Meditating? Well, a more specific, group sort of meditation. The first or second weekend of my junior year, my dad took me to Casa Grande for a beginner's course in the Silva Method of Mind Development, and we followed up with it as often as we could, since they had a monthly meeting.

And I did amazing that year. Only had one really bad panic attack from what I remember, and that was justified, stupid freaking school administration. They screwed me over for scheduling for the next year (my alphabet group was supposed to go first - they put us last. I ended up not being able to get pre-calculus, and I, in the end, ended up doing 9 out of 7 classes my senior year.... I digress). I made alot of friends that year, took hard classes and effing OWNED THEM! I took an A.P. U.S. History exam and got a 4 on it, and I meditated before it, telling myself I would do well, and I surprisingly did. I auditioned for advanced steel drums (I've avoided auditioning my whole life, pretty much), and actually auditioned for chamber orchestra, even though I hadn't played in two years, and got into both. (I did have a little panic attack around steel drums time.... so two panic attacks XD That's still less than I have now)

Overall, I feel it was one of the most non-depressed times in my life.

And then, HE came along X( Stupid freaking Christopher.

Boyfriend in high school. He was depressed, I discovered how much I liked him in conjunction with this, and used my depression to try and get him to like me the same way. Not healthy. One bit. I was overly obsessed, and followed him here, to NAU, where I am still pretty miserable. I thank him for dumping me, though, and I thank him for dropping out of NAU. And I thank Cory, my current boyfriend, for coming along and showing me what love is truly like.

One day, I'd like to go back to doing Silva. But the monthly meetings really help you keep a positive attitude about things, and driving three hours there and three hours back every third Monday of the month... kinda crazy. My dad has told me he'd get me copies of the meditation CDs he has from it, and maybe I'll try to go back and meditate just a little bit when I feel stress....

The power of negative thinking.... totally whips your ass XD

Source of Anxiety and Depression #1: Internet

I am fully and completely aware of how much internet controls my life.

Seriously. I know I have a problem. Add internet addiction to my list of psych disorders.

How I've spent my summer - staying up til darn-well-near-dawn refreshing facebook and twitter and deviantart and all my webcomics over and over and over and over and over and over and over (and you get the idea), while also stumbling from website to website over and over and etc.

So, when I could be doing more productive things like cleaning, or painting, or writing, or accomplishing errands and similar tasks, or even when I could be doing more basic things, like eating, or sleeping, or bathing, I instead opt to internet to the point of complete exhaustion.

The consequences of this

1) Nothing gets done. Ever.

I pretty much mean never. I have zero willpower - it is super hard for me to put this damn computer away. I mean, look at me now. It's 3am. I've been up 18 hours, and it's been a long day. But I can't help but be on here. No artwork is getting done. No story is getting written. Nothign is getting done... and this causes me so much pain and unhappiness, but it's a vicious cycle and only an extreme boost of confidence or a swift kick in the ass can break me out of it, and even then, it's only for a short amount of time.

2) Loneliness consistently causes me to impulsively update facebook statuses spamfully, which probably, in turn, leads to further loneliness.

Basically, people will read my impulsive statuses and think I'm nothing more than a whiny complainy bitch who needs therapy. So, more likely than not, they avoid me. But then, it'll happen where someone is totally and completely surprised when we actually hang out that I actually tend to be pretty talkative, friendly, warm sort of person. I say generally - everyone has their outwardly bad days. Outwardly. Inwardly, I'm still in pain, but it's rare I really, truly show it. Basically, it's just easier for me to type my feelings out than to say them -- in fact, it is usually impossible for me to vocalize ANYTHING having to do with my problems For example, how many times has my friend Maggie noticed something's wrong with me through twitter statuses, but then when we get together, I say I'm fine and really don't go too much into detail? Well, while it can be relatively easy for me to talk about superficial problems (and that's mostly all people ever hear when I complain to them), talking about deeply-rooted, soul-crushing problems takes much more strength than I usually possess, as well as much more time than thirty minutes to be able to express. And yes, someday soon, this will be the job for my therapist, leaving facebook off the hook a bit. I think this blog will help, too, eleviate that problem a bit....

....Two massive consequences to internet addiction. Seriously, if I were to break away from the vicious grip of the internet, my life would probably run alot smoother. But internet is so much a part of our culture, and very much required for school. How am I supposed to drop it? One solution would be to enforce strict internet-usage rules... but I have very little self-discipline and willpower with such matters (similar matters: sleeping in, diet coke consumption, homework procrastination, sugar consumption). At this stage of my life, it's asking alot to try and limit my internet usage... I'm hoping that I can gradually fix this... fix all of my addictions, really.

And people wonder why I stay away from alcohol....

(500) Days of Summer

This isn't exactly a review, more of a reaction, and how this movie affected me.

...is that the same thing? XD

Well, start with a summary. The movie is about this guy, played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt (OMGAMAZING!) who falls in love with this girl named Summer, and about the 500 days he's known her, and how they get together and then fall apart... simple, ya?

Well, it's, of course, not QUITE that simple, but I don't want to ruin the movie for anyone... as for how the movie affected me... well... one of the major sources of anxiety and worry and stress in my life is, well, my life. In high school and before, my sights were focused almost primarily, obsessively, on overachieving - looking good so that one day, maybe, I could go to a great college, like teachers and counselors and the world tell you you should. Well, my 16th spot in a class of almost 800, my above-4.0 average, my honors status, my extracurriculars, my SAT score of 2010, my exceeding all three AIMS tests, getting 4s and 5s in my AP exams... all of that work and toil, and I ended up at Northern Arizona University with people who did half as much work as I did, in better programs than I am, with better prospects for a good future than I have.... Just think about that for a moment. Think about how, you know, my guidance counselor looked at my NAU honors application (I needed his signature), looked at my transcript, and then looked up at me, fully dumbfounded at my choice. I chickened out. That's all there is to it... and I blew it. And I've been dealing with that sense of failure the past three years. Gee, no wonder I'm miserable (moment of insight for me, actually).

Well, here is this movie... this guy, Tom... he's out of college. He studied to be an architect, and here he is, working for a greeting card company... and then this girl Summer, just moved there from Michigan, to kind of shake things up for herself, to live a different life... and... I dunno. As with my favorite webcomic, Questionable Content, this movie gave me a glimpse of a possible world outside of college... showing that, yeah, I can live, I can exist, there is a possibility that maybe things will work out, you know? I dunno... I do have alot of worries and concerns, particularly when it comes to my extreme anxiety disorders, but, maybe, it'll all work out for me... like maybe karma (god is she a douche sometimes) will come around and guide me to something better than this unsatisfying pizza job, this deteriorating and worthless painting degree, and this world of people who don't really understand nor care beyond their own lives. College is the worst thing that's ever happened to me, seriously. But, now that I'm beginning to see the possibilities for the life beyond this... and, I dunno... it makes me not hate it so much... I just hope, that, you know... that my dreams and envisions and hopes for life after college isn't nearly as disappointing as college itself has been.